Lately, I’ve been an emotional wreck. The unfortunate thing about this picture is that for once I’m moving on with some aspect of my otherwise stagnant life. I was accepted to do my part time degree, alhamdullilah. However, I am taking my own time in registering for my modules. The whole idea of toggling between workload and school work scares the living daylights out of me. I can only pray that I can emerge alive from this upcoming experience. Insya allah. The road which I’m going to travel for the next 4years of my life seems too uncertain for now. On a lighter note, I am going to go through all these with my sister, so hopefully the journey will be a bearable one. I can only hope so. This whole issue of being uncertain really goes to show how much of a meek person I am, naturally.
We are planning for the next step in our relationship, and it has taken a toll on me. For every step forward, I feel that I’m taking a step back or circumstances are pushing me a step back. And I admit, I am angry. Being the impatient person that I am, I would like to get it over and done with though I know its not going to be that easy. What makes me angry is that I would like for him to be on the same side as I am too. I know its not like a battlefield but I just want him to listen, understand and empathize. Tell me that everything will be alright and that we will work things out together. He is a very patient person but he is really shutting down walls on this discussion. Its a happy event and I would like for us to be happy in planning it. However, its slowly driving us away from each other. I understand that these are challenges we have to face. But this is the right thing for us to do right?
Every night before sleeping, I thank Allah for blessing me with my perfectly-imperfect family and for crossing our paths. I know that there’s a reason as to why it’s him whom I choose to love. I also know that I should love him for Allah’s sake. For now, all I could ask is for Allah to give us the strength we need to face this challenge together and learn to love each other with a purpose and not just superficially. Sigh..there’s so much questions in my head and heart. I think I’ll just stop here for now. Good night dear space.
Love,
Ms Daisy
